Well, it happened for the first time today. Negative feedback regarding my Smooch book. I am a big girl and can take constructive feedback, but these comments were personal jabs at me and my family. And they came from someone that I thought I knew pretty well.

Here are those comments: “I read the book and loved the memorial of Smooch. She so clearly left a deep mark on you and Rahul and the kids. Some stuff I felt was extraneous- digs on your dad (Valentine’s Day) and privilege (cost of private school and expensive couch) maybe not so pertinent to the story, however I’m sure cathartic for you personally.“

I will break down each one of the extraneous topics mentioned.

The Valentine’s Day reference was around one of Smooch’s favorite garden tools – the Garden Weasel. That tool has been very symbolic to me. It was a Valentine’s Day gift from my husband the second year we were dating. The first year he did what my dad did over the years and purchased cheap chocolates and roses that died in less than 2 days. In other words, a thoughtless gift. Not included in that chapter was the fact that I had observed my parents very unhealthy relationship my entire life, and like most insecure girls, gravitated towards guys like my dad who did not treat me well. So in the relationship with my husband (and after lots of therapy to build self-confidence), I told him I did not like the thoughtless gift and why. The next year he gifted me the bright red Garden Weasel. Proof that I had picked a partner who respected me and listened to me. The tool was also symbolic of the only time lazy Smooch moved faster than a snail. That big girl would bark and tap dance around the Garden Weasel every spring as I tilled the NC red clay. So I respectfully disagree that the Valentine’s Day story was extraneous. It was a part of my story learning to be a confident woman, and a hilarious memory of my Smoochie.

Privilege as referenced by my children attending private school and an expensive couch. I will start off by saying we were very fortunate to have had the funds to send our kids to private school. I also know with all of my heart that if we had not had the funds, we would have done whatever it took for our kiddos to have access to that type of education. We wanted a diverse learning environment that offered flexible learning for different learning styles. The elementary school they were slated to attend was 92% white at the time. It was especially important to my husband for our kids to see other kids that looked like them at school. He attended a Catholic boarding school where almost everyone was white and Catholic. But let me break down what all we had to do to send our children to private school: I closed my beloved non profit and took a full time job that was less desirable professionally and personally, my husband did moonlighting shifts whenever possible to make extra money, and some years we even had to borrow or be gifted funds from grandparents to pay the annual tuition. We did all of those things because education was important to us.

The expensive couch – well, it was expensive. But it was the one piece of furniture my husband had always wanted. He went through medical school, residency, fellowship and 10 years of being on clinical faculty before he gifted himself that expensive couch. I consider that to be extremely delayed gratification. And guess what? We still have that couch today. He conditions it once a month so that we can enjoy it for many more years. But that expensive couch was also Smooch’s preferred sleeping space. I wrote in the book how she would try to make herself into a ball on one cushion so we didn’t see she was on the couch. Hilarious for a dog her size.

I actually looked up the definition of privilege. Here is what the dictionary says: a special advantage or right possessed by an individual or group. I guess we do have an advantage after going to school/training for decades. But we worked hard for the things we have, and I would never consider our family the type of family to take advantage of our situation or judge others who have less. We are not those kind of people. But also because of the kind of people we are, the privilege comment stung really hard and was super hurtful. More importantly, what was gained by this person sharing this feedback with me? Did it make her feel better to judge me and my family? Has she felt this way all of the years we have known her? I am going to try and let it go after finishing this writing. Thinking about it only hurts my feelings but it also reminds me of what I used to teach young children with social thinking. If you think something you are going to say will hurt someone’s feelings, keep it a “thinking thing” and not a “saying thing.” This is a skill some grown ups could really benefit from knowing.

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