I was on a first round Zoom job interview today when I saw I had a missed call from my brother. He never calls, only texts, so in my gut I knew it was not good news. He was calling to let me know our dad had died. This was complicated to process because my dad and I have not had any type of real relationship in over 15 years. He would send the obligatory texts on holidays and birthdays, but nothing else. As his health deteriorated over the last few years, my brother really wanted me to make amends with him, but I just could not get there. This afternoon I tried to process those feelings along with some good memories I have of him.
The good.
He taught me how to fish, and I was not a patient fishing student. I realized this when I was teaching my little ones to fish and spent most of the time untangling their lines from trees or pond undergrowth.
He loved hummingbirds and monitored their comings and goings every year. No matter where I have lived, I have always had a red hummingbird feeder and delighted at their tiny existence.
He loved college basketball and passed down that love to me, even though he cheered for the wrong team. He was a Demon Deacons fan, even naming his loyal dog Deacon.
He was obsessed with Jeffery MacDonald and was convinced he was innocent. Maybe this is where my love of true crime started? If we had a normal relationship, I could see us sitting at the dinner table debating the innocence of Adnan Syed.
What I needed from him.
To have a more healthy relationship with my mom. I saw their dysfunctional relationship play out during my childhood, and it led me to make poor relationship choices early in my adult life. My mom was not perfect, but she deserved better.
To have a relationship with my kiddos. He coached my brother’s son’s baseball and basketball teams, took him on fishing trips. He never did any of those things with my kiddos, which broke my heart with the underlying meaning behind it.
It feels weird to be someone who doesn’t have parents. I guess this is a new phase of life and it feels super complicated.